Hot Crumpets

"So, spill the beans" said Suzi to Jade
"Oh there's nothing much to tell" replied Jade with a wink
"Bullshit" said Molly, "We know you did it with him last night" said Molly
"Oh okay, yes I did it with him, and it was right good as well"
The three ladies giggled so much that Jade made a little damp patch in her Tenalady.
"Ooops" she said, adjusting the way she was sitting.
The three of them were sat in an opulent cafe on the outskirts of town. They often met up there after a night out to catch up on who Jade had done it with. She had really low self esteem and didn't really mind who she ended up with at the end of a night. Her weekly routine was the same, nightclub, chemist, night club, chemist. Routine made her feel safe.

"HOT CRUMPETS" shouted Irene from behind the counter, and Suzi put her hand up and shouted "over here"
"Too right" said Molly and the three of them collapsed into fits of laughter. It was like something out of Sex and the city, but less shit.

The girls started tucking into their mugs of tea and hot buttered crumpets and Jade began her sexy story.
"Well, first of all he bought me a drink at the bar, he seemed impressed that I enjoyed a pint of bitter and he made plenty of jokes about the head on it"
"He's a right laugh" said Suzi, a bit jealous that Toby picked Jade over her, she was drinking bitter as well, and she hated paying for them.
"Well, you know how I love bald heads and big arms?" giggled Jade
"Oh yeah we do" nodded Molly, "I know you've rubbed the ink off that Ross Kemp poster you dirty bastard"
"Well, Toby looks like him, but better, and he smells of Old Spice"
"He's lush", said Molly with butter dripping off her chin.
"Hurry up and get to the good bits, I think I had a bad pint last night and I need to go and empty my handbag... so to speak"  Suzi fancied herself as the Carrie of the group, because she had curly hair and a Mac.
"Okay okay, keep your pubes on. Well, after I finished my drink he led me by the hand into the men's toilets. He said he wasn't going into the girls loos, because they were poncy, and he can't get a stiffy when he sees sanitary towel dispensers. Anyway, I hitched my skirt up and he pulled down his jeans and he done me up the back one. I was ragging it so I didn't want to make a mess, and I didn't like to tell him because I didn't want to spoil the mood. He was so gentle"
Molly put her face in her hands and sighed, and she looked at Suzi they said almost together "Lucky bitch"
"You know, he said he'd love to do a three way" Said Jade to Molly. Molly looked over to Suzi and said "Why stop there?"
"Yeah, lets give him a four way" they all said together..
They got their calenders out to find a time they could all do when none of them were on the blob.

THE END?

The DIY Man

Jessica had things to do around the house, and she wasn't very practical. She needed shelves putting up, and some gripper rods putting down. She also had a bit of wallpaper curling up in the hallway. She was always tempted to pull it a bit. . . but she didn't. 

"I'll put an ad in the corner shop for a handyman" She said to Kerry. Kerry was her BFF and had massive tits. "Great plan" replied Kerry giggling like a mental, her jugs wobbling around like two giant jellies.

"Wanted, big strong man to come round and do odd jobs round the house lol" she wrote. She popped the card in the window and went home and watched Loose Women. "This is shit" she thought.

The following day she had a phone call, it was from Frank. "Hi, I'm calling about the card in the window" 

"oh great, can you come round straight away? I've got a damp crack in my bedroom that needs filling"

"Yes, of course, just give me your address and I'll be there at 2pm. I've got to take my dog to the vet first. He's having an operation on his leg.

"Nothing serious I hope" said Jessica, with concern in her voice

"Well, we don't know yet, he's got a tumour but we aren't sure if it's cancerous. It's weeping and it smells pretty bad. Sometimes, if you get a big whiff of it, it makes you gag and puts you off your dinner"

"Oh that sounds awful. Well I'll see you at 2"

"Okay"

"Bye"

Jessica decided now would be a good time to go and have a shower... so she had one.

Later when she came back downstairs she had a cup of tea and her mum rang her and they talked about her brothers gambling addiction. Jess got a bit upset, but soon pulled herself together.

At 2pm the doorbell rang, it was the handyman. He was tall with brown hair. That's it. Jess thought he looked handsome, like a teacher. She showed him upstairs, and all the way up the stairs the handyman looked at her bum. Big perv.

He saw the problem straight away, and he said he could fix it. "Would you like something hot to drink?" she said

"Yes please, tea, milk and 4 sugars"

She went downstairs to make him a drink, when she came back upstairs, she caught him having a wank into her knicker drawer. 

The More The Merrier

Tim sat nervously in the car, he was waiting for his wife to come out of the supermarket. She'd popped in to get a bottle of wine, nothing fancy, maybe something in between £3.99 and £5.99. They begrudged spending more than that, because they said "No one can tell the difference except poncey poofters" I must stress that this isn't the opinion of the writer, JUST THE CHARACTERS.

Caz got back into the car with a bottle of Hardy's and a packet of minstrels. "Are you ready then?" said Tim, "Ready as I'll ever be" replied Caz taking in a deep breath. "Let's go then" They drove 10 minutes to the house of their mutual friends Derek and Debbie, and got out of the car and walked to the door, then Tim forgot if he'd locked the car door and he went back to check it. He would have just used his central locking key, but the battery had run out and he had to do it manually. He'd called up the garage but couldn't believe how much a new battery was and he had decided he wasn't a woolly woofter and he didn't need one (again, not the opinion of the author, I find this kind of homophobia a little sickening if I'm honest)

Derek opened the door and greeted them with a huge grin "WELCOME" he shouted, and he kissed Caz and slapped Tim on the back because he didn't want to look gay. They walked through to the living room which was dimly lit and the telly was on mute. Everyone said their hellos and everything, and got that out of the way. They started making small talk, you know, how's your mum kind of thing? Tim and Derek talked about spark plugs and the landlord in their local pub, because they are proper men. 


MUCH later, after a few drinks and nibbles, things took a sexy turn. Caz and Debbie sat next to each other and started doing kissing. Derek and Tim put cushions on their knees so that neither of them could see the others stiffy... because that would be a bit queer. Then Tim said "Debbie, take your jumper off so I can see your top bollocks". She dutifully did, and then Caz had a go on her nips. Then they scissored whilst Tim and Derek watched. Tim said to Derek, "It's awesome when girls act gay."
"Yeah" replied Derek, "but men acting gay is sick"
"So sick"
"really really sick" Derek had a look of disgust on his face, while he imagined what it would be like to be gay. With that, Tim leaned across and stuck his tongue in Derek's mouth and they kissed for ages. Then Tim bummed Derek and then they feltched and rimmed each other like proper bandits. They really liked it. 


After everyone jizzed they all sat down and laughed.. it had been a lot of fun.

The Postman

Last night had been a whirlwind of lovemaking, she laid there in the afterglow and tried to process what had happened. Her husband was away on "business" as usual. He was working more and more, and staying away at least once a week. He had less time for her and they hadn't been physical for months. She had needs and last night all of them  had more had been fulfilled. Did she feel guilty? This is what she was trying to figure out. Charlie was her best friend, and although she'd always found him attractive, she didn't really think of him like that. She used to pour out all her problems to him, he was always there for her and he always listened without judging her. He put her at ease and she felt like she could tell him anything.

She started stroking the hairs on Charlie's chest while he slept. Part of her wanted to wake him so he would take her again, and send her to heaven with his frenzied lovemaking skills. Her legs were still quivering from the last session, and she was covered in bite marks that she had only just noticed. She had no idea how to explain them to her husband, but she doubted he would even look at her naked body ever again. She didn't even care. Charlie stirred and she kissed him, his tongue explored her mouth, her lips and she started to sigh, she wanted him so much, she kissed down his chest and his belly and started to fellate him. Charlie started to breathe heavily, this was as much a surprise to him as it was to her. This was all so new. He ejaculated deep into her mouth and she drank it all down hungrily.

She walked downstairs, she needed a coffee, she got Charlie something to drink while he answered a call of nature and she sat and waited for the coffee, she was hungry but she didn't want to eat, perhaps she did feel guilty, perhaps she was in love, her head was a mess and she couldn't figure out what was happening. With that, she saw a shadowy figure through the frosted glass on the door coming up the path, and she panicked. If this was her husband she was in big trouble, she didn't have time to run upstairs and change the bedding. The sheets were sodden with last nights passion. She took a deep breath as the figure stopped and reached out a hand, she closed her eyes tight. There was a knock, it wasn't her husband, it was the postman, she let out her breath with a sigh of relief. Unfortunately Charlie hated the postman and he came running through at full speed, barking like a maniac. "Shut up Charlie" she shouted "It's only the postman" She opened the door and the postman was stood there with a package. "You need to sign for this" said the postman holding out a package. "thanks very much" she said signing the pad.

She closed the door and held the brown paper wrapped box, "I know what this is Charlie, it's a toy from Ann Summers. It doesn't look like I'll be needing it now. Lets go back to bed"

May to December

Candy was a 35 year old scorcher, long dark hair, sexy Mediterranean looks and  legs that went on for miles. She knew the power she had over men and she knew how to get what she wanted. When Candy walked into a room, every one turned their heads to watch her walk by. It excited her to know that men and women wanted her, and they usually got her, because she was a total slag.

One afternoon she had just finished a very hard shift at the laboratory, where she worked as a scientist trying to find a new kind of fuel for cars and lorries and everything like that, she was sat at the bar for only ten minutes when a tall handsome older gentleman came over and started to casually chat to her. She found herself completely transfixed by him. He was everything that the young studs weren't. He had confidence and sex appeal by the boat load and he put her at ease instantly. She had never been attracted to older men, but there was something about this man. "What's your name?" She asked the silver fox, "Keith" He replied in a deep voice, "and yours?"
"Candy Fitzgerald"
"Well Candy I'd like to spend a bit more time with you and get to know you. How about I take you to dinner?"
"I'd love to go to dinner with you"
She had no idea what was happening to her, she was falling deep in love with this man she had known for literally minutes. He was so charming and well dressed. He was like James Bond's dad.

While Keith and Candy tucked into their prawn cocktail starter in the opulent restaurant, they started playing footsie under the table.  Candy ran her stockinged foot up Keith's leg, she felt his sock garter and realised this was one sophisticated guy.
"I want to make love to you tonight Candy, and I don't think I can take no for an answer" said Keith staring deep into Candy's eyes.
" I want the same thing, and I want it now, I don't think I can wait until after the tiramisu"
"Let's go to my room, and I'm going to show you how beautiful I think you are"
"I need to go and powder my nose" said Candy, which wasn't true, she wanted to have a quick rinse round with a wet wipe and pop a squirt of femfresh on her gusset just in case.  Keith got the bill, which wasn't much because they only had two glasses of house white and two prawn cocktails, they didn't get charged for the little dish of olives, and Keith didn't mention it. Candy nipped to the loo for a wee and a freshen up.

On the way up to the room Keith couldn't keep his hands off Candy, and Candy loved every second of it. She'd been around the block a bit but Keith's experienced hands seem to know every inch of her and what she liked. She liked pretty much everything, she had quite low self esteem considering she was so attractive. He opened the door to his room and they walked in. There isn't much to describe, pretty standard room, water colour above the bed, striped bedspread, matching curtains... the usual stuff.

Candy laid on the bed and and Keith went into the bathroom. He came back out and just popped the telly on and turned it up quite loud. Then disappeared back in the bathroom. After about ten minutes, he came back out with an erection. Candy licked her lips and took her lab coat off revealing a red peep hole bra and red crotchless knickers. Then Keith went at it like a mad man and Candy had about ten orgasms. Then Keith went back to the toilet really quick, and came back out again and carried on for ages. Candy got a bit bored if she was honest, but she didn't mind because Keith seemed nice enough.

Eventually Keith fell asleep without achieving orgasm.

Woman On Top.

Jean was a super confident and sexy business woman. She liked nice clothes, fancy shoes and money. She was very driven, hard working and intelligent. Jean had worked in Admin for 14 years and she was one tough cookie. No one would mess with her, she had a reputation as a bitch. Once someone ate her muesli bar out of the break room, and she had them sacked for theft. 

Thursday morning Jean was getting off the bus and walking into the building when she spotted a young man wandering around outside. "You look lost" said Jean. "I am a bit" said the handsome stranger. "Well, if you tell me where you need to be maybe I can help you" She said with a glint in her eye, because she thought he was terrific looking. "I'm looking for Jean Mottershead" Said the mysterious lost man. "You've found her"
"Oh, you're not what I was expecting"
"What do you mean"
"I was expecting someone . . . less attractive"
"Well, you certainly are charming, why are you looking for me?" 
"You ordered some stationary and there seems to be a huge error on the form"
"That's impossible, I always check and recheck these things, come up to my office and we will sort this out once and for all"
The tall handsome stranger followed Jean to her office, and he sat down and Jean went and sat behind her desk. 


The office was like something out of an Ikea catalogue, all beech and glass. She had some frames with her City and Guilds, and G.N.V.Q. qualifications in them. Jean flicked the mini electric heater on, because the portacabin was always cold in the morning. "Should heat up soon" said Jean rubbing her hands together."Now show me what you have" she said to him briskly.
"Excuse me?" said the man
"The forms, I need to see this so called mistake"
"Oh yes of course, here it is" The man handed Jean the form and sat back on his grey plastic chair.
"What's your name?" asked Jean glaring at him,
"Paul Johnson" replied Paul Johnson.
"Well Mr Johnson, I see what's happened here, I've smudged the one and it looks like a seven"
"Oh okay" 
"I hope that sorts everything out" said Jean 
"Yes" said Paul.
"Good" replied Jean


Paul got up and walked to the door and was just about to leave when Jean said to him "fancy a blow job?" He did. 

Lady Loving

"God I love being a lesbian" said Jenny to her girlfriend Claire. "Yeah it's the best" said Claire nodding. "I like how a woman knows what a woman needs, and you can have massive orgasms all the time if that's what you're into" said Jenny rubbing her big boobs. Jenny and Claire had been lesbian girlfriends for a year, and they bloody loved it. They loved the lifestyle and the comfy clothes, but mainly they loved lesbian sex. They enjoyed touching each others private parts, even though essentially they were the same as their own, so nothing different really.

They lived in a fancy Manhattan apartment, the kind you see on the tv. It had really big windows and they would French kiss with tongues in front of them on a night, so the neighbours could see. They are filthy.

"I don't fancy going to that hip new club tonight Claire" said Jenny in a sexy whisper while putting on a pair of lacy crotchless panties. "Oh really?" said Claire "You could have told me that before I started to get ready, it's taken me ages to do my hair and make-up." Claire looked amazing, she'd put her hair in a high pony tail and she had loads of make-up on. "Come on Jenny, I really want to go out and dance and have expensive cocktails, I love the crazy New York lifestyle. I like how you can be in a same sex couple and no one judges you because of your sexual preferences and choices and you can just be yourself. PLEEASSEE?" Claire pleaded.
"But don't you want to stay in? I've bought a sex toy and some massage oil and we could use those and have some serious sexy fun" said Jenny licking her lips and twirling her hair around her finger. 
"Oh you didn't say anything about doing lesbian sex Jenny" replied Claire getting aroused, her nipples were rock hard and she circled them with her fingers. She walked over to her lover and led her by the hand to the bedroom, which was massive and a really big double bed in it. There was a mirror on the ceiling so when they did stuff they could both watch. . . and believe me they did. Claire sat on the bed and rubbed the quilt cover with her fingers. "Is this new?" she said in a low purr. "Yes, so I'd prefer it if you didn't use the massage oil. I don't want to get it on here because it will stain"
"It's water based, it should come out in a low temperature wash"
"Yeah, but I'd rather not risk it, it's a pretty nice quilt cover"
She wasn't lying, it was gorgeous, soft and silky and felt nice on Claire's soft skin. It was a lovely creamy colour and went well with the décor of the room, which was also cream. She laid back and Jenny licked Claire's tuppence like a nutter. Then they swapped over and Jenny got to have a go, and then they scissored for hours. They were both like "oh yeah, this is the best lesbian sex I have ever had." They both had orgasms and fell asleep until the morning.


"Shit" said Claire, "I'm late for work and I've got to perform a life saving operation in an hour and you need to get to work as well, I may be a sexy lesbian but I'm also a leading heart doctor and the pressure is really on" Claire was buttoning up her white coat and putting her hair in a bun. Jenny put her gun holder on and her FBI vest. "Yeah I know what you mean, I've got to catch that serial killer and I've got a new partner who fancies himself like mad and won't believe I'm a full on lesbian. He keeps saying he wants to convert me to the other side." Claire looked cross and said "Goddamn it why do hot guys always want to have sex with hot dykes like us? Don't they realise we don't like men's penises we just love vaginas?"
"We should do it with him just to show him what he's missing out on"
"Haha good one"
"I'll arrange it today, anyway, I'd best get going or the police boss is going to nail my ass to the wall"
"Bye"
"Bye" 
The End?