Thursday, 5 April 2012

Hot Crumpets

"So, spill the beans" said Suzi to Jade
"Oh there's nothing much to tell" replied Jade with a wink
"Bullshit" said Molly, "We know you did it with him last night" said Molly
"Oh okay, yes I did it with him, and it was right good as well"
The three ladies giggled so much that Jade made a little damp patch in her Tenalady.
"Ooops" she said, adjusting the way she was sitting.
The three of them were sat in an opulent cafe on the outskirts of town. They often met up there after a night out to catch up on who Jade had done it with. She had really low self esteem and didn't really mind who she ended up with at the end of a night. Her weekly routine was the same, nightclub, chemist, night club, chemist. Routine made her feel safe.

"HOT CRUMPETS" shouted Irene from behind the counter, and Suzi put her hand up and shouted "over here"
"Too right" said Molly and the three of them collapsed into fits of laughter. It was like something out of Sex and the city, but less shit.

The girls started tucking into their mugs of tea and hot buttered crumpets and Jade began her sexy story.
"Well, first of all he bought me a drink at the bar, he seemed impressed that I enjoyed a pint of bitter and he made plenty of jokes about the head on it"
"He's a right laugh" said Suzi, a bit jealous that Toby picked Jade over her, she was drinking bitter as well, and she hated paying for them.
"Well, you know how I love bald heads and big arms?" giggled Jade
"Oh yeah we do" nodded Molly, "I know you've rubbed the ink off that Ross Kemp poster you dirty bastard"
"Well, Toby looks like him, but better, and he smells of Old Spice"
"He's lush", said Molly with butter dripping off her chin.
"Hurry up and get to the good bits, I think I had a bad pint last night and I need to go and empty my handbag... so to speak"  Suzi fancied herself as the Carrie of the group, because she had curly hair and a Mac.
"Okay okay, keep your pubes on. Well, after I finished my drink he led me by the hand into the men's toilets. He said he wasn't going into the girls loos, because they were poncy, and he can't get a stiffy when he sees sanitary towel dispensers. Anyway, I hitched my skirt up and he pulled down his jeans and he done me up the back one. I was ragging it so I didn't want to make a mess, and I didn't like to tell him because I didn't want to spoil the mood. He was so gentle"
Molly put her face in her hands and sighed, and she looked at Suzi they said almost together "Lucky bitch"
"You know, he said he'd love to do a three way" Said Jade to Molly. Molly looked over to Suzi and said "Why stop there?"
"Yeah, lets give him a four way" they all said together..
They got their calenders out to find a time they could all do when none of them were on the blob.


Thursday, 29 March 2012

The DIY Man

Jessica had things to do around the house, and she wasn't very practical. She needed shelves putting up, and some gripper rods putting down. She also had a bit of wallpaper curling up in the hallway. She was always tempted to pull it a bit. . . but she didn't. 

"I'll put an ad in the corner shop for a handyman" She said to Kerry. Kerry was her BFF and had massive tits. "Great plan" replied Kerry giggling like a mental, her jugs wobbling around like two giant jellies.

"Wanted, big strong man to come round and do odd jobs round the house lol" she wrote. She popped the card in the window and went home and watched Loose Women. "This is shit" she thought.

The following day she had a phone call, it was from Frank. "Hi, I'm calling about the card in the window" 

"oh great, can you come round straight away? I've got a damp crack in my bedroom that needs filling"

"Yes, of course, just give me your address and I'll be there at 2pm. I've got to take my dog to the vet first. He's having an operation on his leg.

"Nothing serious I hope" said Jessica, with concern in her voice

"Well, we don't know yet, he's got a tumour but we aren't sure if it's cancerous. It's weeping and it smells pretty bad. Sometimes, if you get a big whiff of it, it makes you gag and puts you off your dinner"

"Oh that sounds awful. Well I'll see you at 2"



Jessica decided now would be a good time to go and have a shower... so she had one.

Later when she came back downstairs she had a cup of tea and her mum rang her and they talked about her brothers gambling addiction. Jess got a bit upset, but soon pulled herself together.

At 2pm the doorbell rang, it was the handyman. He was tall with brown hair. That's it. Jess thought he looked handsome, like a teacher. She showed him upstairs, and all the way up the stairs the handyman looked at her bum. Big perv.

He saw the problem straight away, and he said he could fix it. "Would you like something hot to drink?" she said

"Yes please, tea, milk and 4 sugars"

She went downstairs to make him a drink, when she came back upstairs, she caught him having a wank into her knicker drawer.